Resolving Conflicts

It's gonna take some guts to post this, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I'm realizing that I have never really learned how to resolve conflicts with people who are close to me. I can't remember a time since childhood (sure we fought over toys when I was really little) when I was involved in a conflict at home. I was the oldest and maybe I always got my own way and didn't have to compromise. With two shy brothers nearest my age and sisters at least six years younger, I guess there wasn't anything to fight about. My mom often bends over backwards for us, and my dad, kind of aloof and philosophical, never brought up anything I wanted to fight over. As an adolescent and young single adult, my plan of action was to do what I know is right, do it well, and enjoy the praise and approval of others. If someone close to me did something I didn't approve of, I felt it wasn't worth risking the relationship to bring it up (I realize this is a fallacy because not bringing it up can erode a relationship over time). Growing up, I rarely relied on anyone else emotionally and thus avoided a lot of potential conflict. Yes, there was conflict in my parents' marriage, and I caught snippets of arguments, but I never saw conflicts actually discussed and resolved.

So, here we are at the present. I love Chad, but it's pretty ironic that I married someone who feels it's very important to resolve conflicts and to be open and honest about anything that's bothering you ("open and honest" are euphemisms for what I often feel is "picky and blunt"). He finds himself frustrated from biting his tongue so often, and I often find myself offended, which makes "happily ever after" seem awfully far away sometimes.

I recently read an article in BYU Magazine called "Resolving Conflicts." It makes some great points and offers some helpful advice:

"A number of years ago, emeritus law professor Gerald R. Williams participated in a panel discussion about religion and conflict resolution. A Jewish scholar explained his culture’s approach to disagreement over religious doctrine, saying that “we relish conflict because out of vigorous debate comes truth.” Williams, on the other hand, told the audience that many “in the Mormon culture avoid conflict like the plague.” The wisdom in the LDS approach, Williams believes, is that it preserves harmony and unity within the Church while opening the door to revelation. A downside, he says, is that Latter-day Saints may overlook the fact that conflict in homes, families, and other relationships is a necessary and valuable part of mortal experience. You could say it is part of the Lord’s plan. Conflict is part of the plan? Doesn’t the adversary use conflict to drive wedges between family members? He uses contention, says Williams. Contention arises when two or more people allow a conflict to fester and grow. Conflict is an early warning sign of contention."

I, who indeed "avoid conflict like the plague," have been guilty of allowing it to "fester and grow." I am thankful, although it is hard, that my relationship with Chad is helping me learn how to face conflicts and hopefully resolve them.

More from the article:

"If you have the courage to face your conflicts early, they will be easier to resolve and to learn from."

"If you don’t learn from a conflict, wait a while and it will come around again until it either destroys a relationship or you learn from it."

"Even if you’re in the right in a conflict, if you’re presumptuous and rash you will harm the relationship."

The article says that an important step in overcoming contention in a relationship is "to take multiple leaps of faith for the relationship." I think this is really good advice and am putting it into practice. Although it hasn't really helped me to learn how to resolve conflicts, it has helped our relationship. I understand taking a leap of faith to mean being kind when you don't feel like being kind, sharing your feelings when they might be rejected, and showing love. Anyway, I hope these thoughts help someone out there. Hang in there, whoever you are, we're all just trying to make it after all.