I love you Dad

I don't know how to write this post. I want to remember so many things and so they need to be written down. I've been grateful for other people who have written about these kinds of things in their lives, and so now it's my turn. This post is going to be extremely disjointed though.

My dad died a little over an hour ago. On Tuesday morning he ended dialysis early because it was making him really, really sick. That night he was in a lot of pain and was checked into the hospital. His plan was not to return to dialysis; it's just been making him too sick. He's been in a lot of pain the last couple of days and has needed high doses of painkillers just to keep it under control. This afternoon we were able to put him on hospice and take him home. My sister, Becca, works at an Alzheimer's clinic and has a lot of experience with people on hospice. It was wonderful to be able to lean on her and know that she (with the nurse's help) could take good care of my dad. It's been so nice to be with my dad in these last couple of days and to be able to communicate all of our love to him. I love that the last time I said "hi Dad" he knew right away it was me. Tonight all of the youth and their leaders came to my parents' house and caroled. There were probably 60 people. They came in and sang in the hall by the door where my dad was. It was so beautiful.

I've always been scared of this part for my dad and for us. I didn't know what to expect or what it would be like. I just knew it would come sometime. It really wasn't that bad. I was there an hour before he died (I wish I would have known to have stayed one more hour!!) and he was sleeping and sometimes gasping for air. He needed a lot of medication for the pain, but that was available. He had oxygen to help him. I guess the moment of his death was subtle and they weren't completely sure he had even died right away. I wish I had been there.

I wonder what he's doing right at this moment.