Checkpoint

Yesterday I turned 30. It's been a long time since a birthday has felt like such a milestone. I have to admit that the night before my birthday I actually felt scared. I don't know exactly what I felt scared of; of course changing the number of my age doesn't really do anything, but this birthday has got me reflecting more on my life than usual. If I'm lucky, it means about a third of my life has already gone by. If my life ends up slightly shorter than average, it marks the halfway point. {shudder}

You know when you were little and life felt sort of new to you? For example, you didn't understand lots of adult references, or popular culture, or what exactly mom and dad meant when they had to "pay bills." I remember just thinking it would be cool to get older and be able to write a check like mom. I remember thinking 6th graders were HUGE. I remember looking forward to my first date, my first kiss, graduation, etc., etc. Now so many of those events have passed. I am currently very "in" life, very in the middle of paying the bills, cleaning the house, taking care of my family. I hope that life still feels new to me often enough. I hope that I am not too much "in" life. A poet, Gerard Manley Hopkins, once wrote that "the world is too much with us." After 30 years of life, that's probably the case with me. But birthdays like these bring on some reflection and help take me out of that and remember, inside, that life (at least this one) is temporary.

I'm feeling like stepping back and looking at what I'm proud of accomplishing in my first 30 years, you know, the things that really affected who I am.

So...what I'm proud of from age 0-30

I'm proud of making the conscious choice in 6th grade to stop hanging out so much with the "cool" girls.

I'm proud of reading the Book of Mormon and praying about it when I was a kid (that has a lot more to do with my parents than with me and I'm grateful for them).

I'm proud of taking steps to repent, even when it was very difficult.

I'm proud of usually taking school seriously.

I'm proud of not being afraid to sing or speak in front of audiences.

I'm proud of graduating from college.

I'm proud of swindling Chad into marrying me.

I'm proud of giving birth.

***

This is a rambling post, but I don't care. I want to say that I'm feeling thankful for the opportunity to live. I occasionally watch BYU TV and was listening to a speaker who said that while growing up he used to wish he had died before the age of 8 so he could have had a straight shot to the Celestial Kingdom. Then one day he realized how incredibly blessed he was and the Spirit whispered, "aren't you glad you didn't die before age 8?" I feel so grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn and for the amazing and sweet experiences I've had in these 30 years, which I don't deserve but I know are blessings from a loving God.