Parenting Principles

I loved this answer over at http://cairnparenting.org and wanted to record it here. I've been thinking about it almost daily for two weeks now, especially this: "If a child feels lovable and capable, he is free to be the best he can be." I think it fits with any child of God, and I want to be sure I'm not ever imprisoning someone by making that person feel unlovable or incapable.

Marsha (and Richard)
By far the book that had the greatest influence on our family life was Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  We listened to some lectures at an Education Week held in California in our early years and my husband attended the week seminar at Sundance for training to teach the Covey principles in his company.  We, therefore, also taught them for some of our family home evenings and we have heard reports from our children as adults concerning the impact it had on them.  Phrases like "Win Win" and "Begin with the end in mind" became phrases that had meaning and could be used in our family discussions.  I believe it especially shaped my husband, who was raised in a part member home and didn't have full access to the church programs while growing up.  It helped him give greater leadership to our family.  The principles in this book are true principles of the gospel, taught in layman terms.  Our daughter is now teaching them in a program offered through the public school system...a great step in the right direction for schools.

Another book with high impact was How to Really Love Your Child by Dr. Ross Campbell.  It's a small book but very powerful.  It seemed to fit so well with Christian principles.  It helped me realize that much of a child's misbehavior is due to a low “emotional bank account”.  Instead of making more withdrawals through discipline, I needed to fill that emotional bank account with some focused attention.  Earlier I had read the book, Children the Challenge and implemented its recommendations but looking back I think it was too strict and did not allow enough for compassion.  If I had it to do over again, especially with our oldest children, I would have spent more time nurturing and not so much time disciplining and correcting.  I would have let them think through and talk through things better.

Another book I remember was Your Child's Self Esteem by Dorothy Briggs.  It emphasized how important a parent's feedback is to establishing a child's self esteem.  What we say to and about our children influences how they see themselves.  An active child can be viewed either positively or negatively.  I am concerned about how much negative dialogue comes from young mothers as they bemoan their challenges.  I'm grateful that I was a mother in a society that valued good mothering and was doing something I always wanted to do.  I was living the American dream by having a family and being a mother.  Mothers today are constantly made aware of their sacrifices rather than their contributions.  I love to see a young mother who relishes motherhood and realizes what a precious time of life it is.  Now that those years are past, I miss them.  I was the center of their universe during those years.

I once heard a social worker in our ward say, "If a child feels lovable and capable, he is free to be the best he can be."  That has stayed with me through the years.  We must be careful as we discipline to help a child retain his sense of self worth and just help him deal with problems.  We may know that a child is "lovable and capable" but he must "feel" that he is.  Sometimes mothers think their job is to protect their children from problems and to an extent it is.  I came to realize that my job was to teach them how to deal with problems, since that's the job of life.  Now my role is to be a cheerleader for them.  I must listen as they share their challenges and help them feel equal to solving them.  It is not my job to do the solving.  Being a "rescuer" by nature, I have to remember that.

In the end the scriptures and the gospel is the best source of direction in childrearing.  Charity Never Faileth.  It is true.  Often in parenting true charity requires tough love.  Only the Lord can tell us when and how.