"The 7 Habits...": Habit 1, Be Proactive

The first part of this section focused on the space between stimulus and response (Victor Frankl) and attested that "our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions." To be 100% honest I had a hard time being fully sold on how far this section went with our free ability to choose. I do of course believe we can choose our responses, but our choices are influenced by the information and "exercise" (whether mental or emotional) we've been exposed to up to that point. A person acting under less information or less guidance will make a less-informed decision or perform less well than one who's been given more information and experience. It just seems too plain that children of strong parents often become strong adults, and the opposite, for me to not give any bearing to how a group was raised (what information and experience they were provided). That being said, we can choose to make the best decision we can based on the information and resources we have, and those good decisions will propel us toward additional information and resources, until we're on the same level as a person who was given them in the beginning, in my opinion. It is wise to take responsibility regardless and do what Covey says here: "until a person can say deeply and honestly, 'I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday' [no matter how those choices were influenced by environment], that person cannot say, 'I choose otherwise.' " Covey also says "It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us."

Something he teaches his kids: "whenever someone in our family...takes an irresponsible position and waits for someone else to make things happen or provide a solution, we tell them 'Use your R and I!' (resourcefulness and initiative)." Along with that he says, "Holding people to the responsible course is not demeaning; it is affirming."

The next section here describes several circles or areas we all deal with in our lives - an area of things we're not concerned about, an area of things we are concerned about (anything from our marriages to the threat of nuclear war), and an area or circle within that circle of concern called the "circle of influence." Covey says that a way to gauge our own level of proactivity is to determine where we focus our time and energy - whether in only our circle of concern (over things we have little influence) or whether we focus on things within our circle of influence. This part got read twice because it's taken some time for me to understand it, but it's very wise. "Proactive people," he says, "focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence." So, if there's something I'm concerned about, I need to determine what part of that (if any) is within my circle of influence, and focus on that. This is usually about "being," such as being a positive model for someone, being a better listener, being a better provider of solutions for a boss, and is not about what others provide or do, because that can't be controlled by me. There are three levels of control that we each have over the problems we face: direct control (involving our own behavior), indirect control (involving other people's behavior), and no control (such as our past or situational realities). He brings up the problem of indirect control (control over others) and says that these problems can be solved by changing our influence, and that he's identified over 30 separate methods of human influence and will go over them later in the book - I'm looking forward to that. He says most people only have a few methods they know to use - starting usually with reasoning and moving to flight or fight if that doesn't work.

About expanding our circle of influence: Covey says, "It is inspiring to realize that in choosing our response to circumstance, we powerfully affect our circumstance. When we change one part of the chemical formula, we change the nature of the results." If we allow ourselves to be responsible ("response-able"), we empower ourselves to influence a situation.

About past mistakes: "past mistakes are...out there in the Circle of Concern. We can't recall them, we can't undo them, we can't control the consequences that came as a result. As a college quarterback, one of my sons learned to snap his wristband between plays as a kind of mental checkoff whenever he or anyone made a 'setting back' mistake, so the last mistake wouldn't affect the resolve and execution of the next play. The proactive approach to a mistake is to acknowledge it instantly, correct and learn from it."

How to live within our circle of influence: "Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It's not what they're not doing or should be doing that's the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is 'out there,' stop yourself. That thought is the problem."

Application: 1) Listen to your language - how often do you use reactive (not proactive) phrases that seek to dissolve responsibility, such as "I can't" or "I have to"?; 2) Remind yourself of the gap between stimulus and response and exercise your freedom to choose; 3) Determine whether problems are direct, indirect, or no control problems and identify steps you can take within your Circle of Influence.

Like the last section, the actual book is a lot better than my dry account of what was in it, but I like summarizing it in order to help me remember the principles better.